First

From the moment I first met you
In the second I first heard you speak
The first time you said my name
The first time I looked in your eyes

The first time you came back for me
The first time we didn't need to speak
The first time you turned around and looked at me
The first night we didn't sleep

The first phone call I hated missing
The first dream I dreamt of you
The first pang of jealousy
The first inkling of loneliness

The first rain that wet us both
The first time we rowed that boat
The first escape before dawn
The first lie we told at home

The first fight we ever had
The first sorry we ever said
The first wild goose chase I sent you on
The first time you came despite all odds

The first time I broke free for you
The first time I walked out of my door for you
The first time I wore make-up for a man
The first time I swore never again

The first time you smiled after a fight
The first time we kissed on a pretty, warm night
The first time we parted ways
The first time we swore we'd never see each other's face

The first time I thought back to that moment
The first moment when I met you
The first time I made the first move
The first time you took me seriously too

The first time you stepped back from me
The first time I took my first steps towards you
The first time you finally opened your heart
The first time you ever told me I was the reason for it all

The first time we held hands since
The first long walk we took alone
The first meeting of our mind and souls
The first exchange of our heart's warm glow

The first long night we spent alone
The first moment when we were sure
The first time you asked me to marry you
The first time I looked up and knew you were true

They all go back to that first moment years ago
The moment I first knew it was you, not so long ago
A different love we've found ourselves
A different reason to go on, to walk till the end....

Tere ishq mein..

Tere ishq mein

Jaage kabhi, soye kabhi

Neend bina rahe khoye kabhi

Tere ishq mein

Tanha rahe kabhi

Sang dil rahe kabhi

Roothein, manayein, maan bhi jaayein

Hanske rulaye, Ro kar hansaye

Kabhi bhoolein, yaad aaye

Chahat lutaye

Ek duje bin ek pal na reh paaye

Tere ishq mein

Soona lage

Har rasta

Galiyan bhari logon se bhi

Teri ishq mein

Viraan lage

Roshan jo thi kaliyan sabhi

Chamke taare aasman mein jaise

Dur kahin ek tara tum bhi

Tere ishq mein

Lage kaaynaat saari humari

Tere ishq mein

Mar ke jiyun, ji ke marun

Jivan mera

Ban jaao tum

Tere ishq mein

Chalti rahun

Aankhen khuli

Dekhein kuch bhi nahi

Tujhko dekhun

Tujhko sochun

Tere ishq mein

Aur kya chahun

Tere ishq se

Banti rahe

Har woh ladi

Ban jaaye kabhi

Jo kahani meri

Tere ishq se

Saansein meri

Ban jaoon main

Kismat teri

Tere ishq pe

Qurbaan rahe

Sab kuch mera

Ho ek din tera

Tere ishq pe

Main mar mitoon...

De doon tujhe

Khushiyan sabhi

Main ban sakun

Mohabbat teri

Tere ishq mein

Hai bas yahin

Chahat meri...

Could I?

Could I ever be just to your love?

Could I ever do justice by it?

Could I ever be fair to it?

Could I ever be good enough for it?

Your perfection, your kindness,

Your warmth, your gentleness,

Your apt words, your charming innocence,

Your tone of voice, your guileless wit,

I love you for who you are

Victory in itself for a love that would be

Silencing my critics and my inner hypocrisy

I take you as you are

I love you, I do

I like the sound of it as I say

The same words a million times

Couldn't ever tire of saying a phrase

Language becomes the food of love

Making us feel a feeling better as it were

Redeeming our souls by a small measure

Bringing it back from the hell of self-control

Letting ourselves loose and believing in sweet surrender

Cutting off from sanity

With complete and mindless unwonder

The universe conspires

It makes things happen

Perhaps they're two lovers too

Whispering sweet nothings into ears

Life is a kaleidoscope

A mish mash of colours

I see all of them through my own peephole

Not through that of any others'

Afsaane

Gin sakte ho laakh afsaane humare tumhare kal ki kitabon mein

Paaoge kitni hi tasvire humari guzre pal ke sirhaane mein

Kabhi tum humse kabhi hum tumse yeh baatein kehte the

Pyaar dono karte the, par zahir kuch kum hi karte the

Diwano se guzarte the in diwaron ho narm haathon se chute chute

Nishaan kabhi apne chhod jayenge yeh socha na tha in galiyaron mein

Kabhi khidki se jhaankti thi waqt ki nigahein

Aur hans deti thi mere bholepan par

Khoyi khoyi rehti thi main tere mann ke bhanvar mein aur tu meri saanson ki gehraayi mein

Khel nahi tha sach tha yeh waqt bhi kabhi samajh na paaya

Tumhe aur mujhe bhi mushkil si hui toh waqt ko mujrim kaise thehraya jaaye

Tumhari main

Kehkar karti thi har khat ka ant

Jaana kab tha isse pehle

Ke koi aur kabhi us naam mein bhi dhal jaaye

Jagah meri zindagi mein tere

Koi aur bhi kabhi le paaye

Tez jitna soche koi

Utna aur sab kuch dhundla lagta hai

Jab bhi kisi cheez ka matlab samajhne ki koshish karein

Thoda aur dur woh humse ho jaaye

Lakh kehne aur karne par bhi

Kuch koshishein kaafi nahi hoti

Ban jaate hain hum phir woh chote bachche

Jinki kabhi koi khwahish puri nahi hoti...

Dard ki har aah se nikalta ek shabd hai

Chah ke har gham se ek kavita

Dil ke har ghaanv se ek nishani pyaar ki

Meri har likhavat mein chupa tera ek chehra

Tere pehluon ke rang se

Bharti hoon main kagaz pe kagaz

Tere har ehsaas ko lekar

Banati hoon ek nayi kahani

Soch ki gehrai se lekar

Khayal ke aasman tak

Le jaati hoon main in lafzon ko

Par hai yeh gham se jude hi kyun?

Kyun nahi bante kisi khushi ki nishani?

Waqt ne ek din aa kar mujhse mera sab kuch maang liya

Mana kaise karti, tha saara usika toh diya

Par kabhi kabhi koi cheez zindagi ban jaati hai

Zarurat se bhi zyaada koi shabd ban jaati hai

Tera aana bhi ek ittefaq

Tera jaana shayad tera ittefaq ho

Jo hua mere saath kuch der pehle

Woh shayad tere saath kahin aur ho

Waqt ko nazar andaz kar ke hi chalo

Nahi toh waqt se aage kaise dekh paaoge

Ek din meri bahon mein

Duje din sirf meri nigaahon mein

Kaise reh paaoge

Pyaar ke har haseen pal ki shuruvat tere naam se hoti hai

Ant kisi aur ke hawale kaise kar dun, keh de...

Kahani teri meri yahin toh khatam ho nahi sakti...

Rakhungi yeh moti sambhale

Shayad kisi din milkar piro dein hum inhe...

tere saath toh main hamesha hi thi
par zarurat tujhe shayad kisi aur ki thi
apna sab kuch bhi de diya tujhe maine
apne aap ko tere hawale kar diya maine
par yakeen ek pal tujhe mujhpar na tha
kaise dilati tujhe aur kya kehti tujhe main
samjha nahi apna ek pal bhi tune mujhe
keh diya raah mein bohot hain
dikha diya teri chaah mein bohot hain
aankhein kholi meri tune
jab woh pal guzar jaata hai na
toh saath sab le jaata hai
kuch aur thi main kuch pal pehle
koi aur hun main kuch hi palon mein
teri baaton pe yakeen karun kaise
jab meri sachhai ka yakeen tujhe ho na saka
dil aur jaan dono tere haathon mein dekar bhi
tu ek pal ke liye bhi mera ho na saka
shayad tum bas apne ho
aur baaki saare mehmaan hai tumhare
shayad main tumhari chahat kabhi ban na sakun
kam se kam yeh ehsaas hai
ke humraaz kuch pal ki thi tumhari
koi haq kisiko kaise deta hai
koi haq kisika kaise nahi
yeh lafz zahir nahi kiya karte
jab waqt aa jaata hai kisi rishte ka
toh us rishte ki umr woh khud hi keh deta hai
tumse mili har khushi sar aankhon par
aur har gham tumhe yaad karne ki wajah banayenge
galatiyan aaj ki hain humne
phir kabhi hum inhe na dohrayenge

kyun...

jab sab kho jaata hai toh nazrein kaise milate hain apne aap se
jab sab chale jaatein hai toh manch khali sa kyun lagta hai
kisike hone na hone se duniya kyun banti hai
dil ke khone se khushiyan kyun milti hain
jab aate hain akele toh kisika milna zaruri kyun hota hai
bewafa jab itne hote hain toh wafa karna zaruri kyun hota hai
yun toh shayar hum nahi magar dil ke tutne se kavita kyun banti hai
tum nahi toh main kyun hoti hun
hum nahi toh sab kyun hota hai
sab kho kar bhi hum the aur ab sab ho kar bhi hum nahi
dur reh kar bhi pyaar tha, paas reh kar do ajnabi ban gaye
jo mere dil mein tha woh tum mein kyun na ho saka
jo hamare liye socha tha woh hamara kyun na ho saka
kyun sapne dekhte hain hum agar un mein pura hone ki shakti nahi
kyun kehte hain kisiko apna agar hum mein unhe chahne ki bhakti nahi
har pal jo socha tha tumko woh tum the hi nahi yeh jaana kyun humne
har pal jo humse banta tha woh hum kuch tha hi nahi yeh samjha humne
aankhein khulti hai toh phir der se kyun
raat bhi hoti hai toh phir woh kat jati nahi kyun
intezaar karte karte nazre thak jaayein magar guzre pal phir wahin nahi hote
zindagi ke har faisle sahi kyun nahi hote
nasamjhi kyun ban jaatein hain hum ek pal mein
jise jaan kar baithe the woh ajnabi kyun ban jaatein hain
kehne nahi dete kisiko ek lafz tumhare khilaaf
phir ek pal mein mere maayne kaise badalne dete ho tum
jab khamosh rehna tha toh keh rahe the pyaar karte ho tum
aur ab khamoshi jaan le rahi hai toh mud ke bhi na dekh rahe ho tum
rukti nahi yeh chalne wali saansein kyun apne aap
kyun mere siddhant mujhe chod nahi dete ek pal apne saath
behna chahun main agar samay ki dhara mein
toh samay kyun mujhe maat dene ki koshish kar raha hai
har cheez jise pooja maine woh kyun mera saath chod raha hai
agar pyaar hi sab kuch hai, vishwaas hi sab kuch hai
toh tutne kyun dete hain hum inhe
agar hum tum ek duniya hai
toh chootne kaise dete hai raah mein hum inhe
kagaz par kagaz bhar doon sawalon se
par jawab milne se raha mujhe
ke kisike hone se duniya kyun banti hai
ke dil ke khone se khushiyan kyun judi hoti hain...

Bitterness and lies.

Have you ever felt
Like someone stole your happiness
And wondered when you gave them the right
And then why at all in the first place.
If your heart was yours
Would it be broken at all?
If the dreams were yours
Would you let them be bared for all?
Piece by piece, your peace taken away.
Sleepless nights spent trying to keep the demons away
Loss and doom, loom large
The sight of the horizon now lost, now found.
Fumbling along the path,
There's darkness all around
Even the sun backs off and says
I'm not the one you need right now
Sometimes you have to fight some battles alone
Sometimes all you have is you
Sometimes the only one you can be proud of is yourself
Look up at the sky and wonder how
One individual in the scheme of it all
Could have so much power
Wonder when you gave it to them and how
Wonder if it's all worth it somehow.
Looking for reasons and finding none
A lonely struggle is life
Echoing loudly in your ears
Searching for something, forever walking
Oh I must sit down, I must find a field
High and low I search
But the sun avoids me
Damp seeps into my bone
Slowly but doggedly.
Two times the trouble, two times the pain
Two times the fog, two times the rain.
I wait alone, wait for someone to come
A warm hand through the clouds
A warm body to hold.
Expectations alone, I clasp to my throat
Still walking alone, powerless
Looking for a place I can call home.

My kind of guy...

Shhh.. I'm you're sweetheart and yes you're mine
You're the kind of guy I knew I wanted since I was nine
Sparkling eyes and a secret to tell
You wanted me, oh yes, I knew so well...

Silly poems and weird lines
I wrote it all so I could make you mine
Walked in my footsteps, you held my hand
You told the world, that you were my man

You're the kind of guy, who'd stay up till four
Waiting for me to finish my book written by some old bore
Watch me crinkle my eyes and smile back at you
Pull up the sheet and curl up next to you
You come close to me and tell me my perfume smells sexy
I tell you right back I'm not wearing any
You pull me even closer and you tell me that's what you see
An honesty beyond my years and the total lack of common courtesy
You hold me tight and tell me you don't
Take me seriously when the whole world does
Isn't that refreshing and isn't that cool
You'd be the only one of whom I'd believe that true
Because you're the kind of guy who made me feel proud
Of everything I'd done, tell me that until I was worn out

You're my kind of guy, you are my man
I saw you grow up and I know you'll stay till the end
Far and wide, I searched high and low
Literally tried it all, never learned to take it slow
You taught me the meaning of
All good things come in their own time
You made me wait, and you were alone the one who pulled it off.

You're that kind of guy who tried my patience
Made me pull my hair out, made me hate you with a vengeance
But behind it all, there was a true love
Made me say silly things, made me do even worse
At last, in the end, I faced myself
Looked me in the eye and told myself
You're that kind of guy, I knew I had to have
The only kind of guy, who'd ever grow up to be my man.

And look what we have today,
Look, we actually made it...
Who'd have thought we'd get through it all,
But I, I just knew you were my kind of guy...
The only one who'd make sure we made it..
I love you...

Eternity in a moment...

Sometimes love is so whole and overpowering that nothing else seems significant in life. Words flow from my fingertips as I write this. All sense of my senses lost, all magnitude of the world forgotten. We love but once in our lives. Who said only swans mate once in a lifetime. I have a love too. And I'm determined to make it last a lifetime. Spirits, uplifting experiences, mysticism, I only have to feel love to feel all of these. That sense of being lost in space and yet not lonely can only be arrived at through a careful and carefree renunciation of all that is not love. Hate, resentment, spite, jealousy, all forgotten in that sweeping sense of the justice of love. A balance that swings only one way cannot be human and yet who else can speak of love but us? The closest we'll ever get to being one with a creator is by closing our eyes and listening to the voice of love speaking. Have you ever heard it sing? Does it remind you of anyone? Sometimes things break inside us. We never believe we'll be whole again. A feeling of abandonment, a rock and a hard place. Have you ever hit the last step and felt you would die or watched the world spin around as we tried to understand? Seeking answers from blank eyes, eyes that showed a thinking long stopped. Why would we want to believe in a world again? Why would we think of trusting someone again? Of trusting eyes that had no recognition of who you were, crying your heart out everytime you thought about it. Then one day you wake up and meet a new purpose. A happy accident that you never thought would happen to you. Gently building up the foundation of your new resolve. Everything else above ground you already had prepared to show. The hollowness inside you felt after each day was gone. There was someone to care come rain or shine. All your happinesses and sorrows you had a conspirator to tell. Suddenly the only trust that mattered was yours without doubt. You tried and tried to escape the unlikeliness of it all. You tried and tried to tell yourself this couldn't all be yours. But it stayed with you, stayed faithful then as it remains truly yours now, ever more than then. All your personal hell has ceased to be. Your demons now have ceased to prey. Your soul again became bit by bit, a picture of wholeness, neither contrived nor contrite. A smile that starts in your eyes, several secrets that are yours alone. You're happy in the knowledge now, that someone somewhere waits for you alone. Those days of coming home to an empty home, or worse yet coming home to deathly silences, when you knew there was an evil foreboding, I always knew, do you know the feeling? But now that time has passed me by. And now without question, I'm yours and mine. You made me love, not just you but me. You gave me love, to last an eternity.

Stone walls and water deities!!

The Sahyadris have always held mystique for me. An unknown beckoning that calls me every time my happy feet decide to journey. This time, however, I was a most unwilling traveller along that path. Goa, Shiroda, Amboli, Kashid, Karwar, Tandeli - lots of places along the coast. I really thought I wanted to go to the beach. But of course, you don't journey to the Sahyadris, they bring you to their feet - that curious mixture of beauty, peace and thrill that forebodes adventure.

Sometimes you just have to let life lead you blindfolded, sometimes life's mysteries reveal themselves when you have your eyes closed and your imagination is doing the thinking. I think therefore I am, isn't always what defines us when we're using our imagination.

When we're young, it rains because angels are crying, flowers bloom because God is painting and butterflies carry secrets but when we grow older, there's no God, nature lives in picture books and butterflies wings often look beautiful when they're drawn crooked in our childrens' drawing books and life of course is mostly unfair. Going back to the Sahyadris reminds me that I'm on the same side as life depending on where I'm looking from. Walking in the clouds doesn't remain a myth and rolling, undulating plains between the foothills are places that kiss my bare feet. Each valley looks exactly like the other or maybe has a particular tree that's shaped like a rabbit, depending on where I'm looking at it from. Those streams, rivulets and waterfalls that I dreamt of when I dreamt of childhood picnics were coming alive and springing at my feet. Off the beaten path I went, into caves that were a thousand years old, walking through grass that the wind trimmed every once in a while. When I'm in my city, I think that the Sahyadris are home to the famed King Cobra but when I'm in that grass, I step gingerly to not hurt anyone's home. That awe and fear turns to respect for someone's space and concern for its well-being. They're suddenly not feared creatures but fellow beings that I dare not dismiss lightly. How that colour green can evoke so much happiness in my heart I wonder but breathing its shades and cleansing my soul with its notes seems like second nature when I'm rolling in it's beauty.

The colours of the Earth begin painting my soul and I wonder how I didn't fall in love before. I didn't have to look too far inside to find myself. My innermost seemed at my beck and call. How often do you feel free from judgment? Like no one in the world could hurt you or play with your exposed soul? Sometimes I think back to the moment, and I feel like I was in a giant bubble of earth with an invisible force protecting me from myself and everyone else. The sheer happiness of just being.

"Love is not that which alters when alteration finds", said Shakespeare. It is and shall remain that part of my soul which fire cannot burn, water cannot douse, nor can any and all of the viciousness in the world cleave. It is pure and shall remain so. It is more than a memory; it is a locked picture of immeasurable depth that I shall probably never find again.

I make the world as I saw it then sound like a goddess whose silhouette overshadowed the rest of my logical senses, it also did as I must add change the parameters of my world. It must have been the stone walls, the moment, the most unlikeliness of it all, the force of the water or the sheer overwhelming power of nature that overcame us. The colour red bore more significance than just the boldest colour in the palette of the world. It replaced all the other more virgin colours of my mind and changed my thinking and my life forever. Would it be that the wind would never know how it changed the face of the earth as it blew or the storm the colours of the sea or the monsoon unbeknownst fertilizing the earth, planting forever the seed of its fleeting presence? It rained that day, hard and long and unendingly. A whirlwind of colours and conflicting lights, a kaleidoscope minus a complete insight. Indicative of how a flick of a wrist changes a life.

I'm here now. Someone else altogether. No one would believe I was that barefooted girl on the grass or that the pictures were at all mine. I carry only with me a testament to all the moments in my heart. No one shall ever know, because I live with sense and sensibility now. The stone walls gave birth that day and held my secret with them, God knows how many secrets it held, how many quiet footsteps through there had passed. The romance of the moment shall never pass like the weather. What happened that morning shall remain with me forever. Maybe you're the man, you're wont to forget. But it's as clear in my mind as a moment I'm hardly likely to ever forget.

That grass, the stone, the ancient civilizations, they all know me now as they knew all those great footsteps that trespassed that land so many centuries ago. And I have my little piece of history, somewhere in a lost corner of the Sahyadris.

Reasoning..

When I was a little girl
I thought the world had just two halves
One belonged to me
And the other was always too far.
When I was a little girl
The world was black and white
Other colours were on my palette
But none ever reached my mind.
But now I somehow know better
Guess that's what an education is about
Now I know that there are people in between
And that time is a relative muddle.
I now know that those I leave behind
May tomorrow be a part of me again
And I know that all my sorrows today
May be the source of my joy someday again.
This moment that I cherish now
May be my worst enemy someday
And time is a most fickle friend
Mine today, with someone else the next day.
And sometimes there are no right answers
And sometimes there's no brightness
And sometimes there's all this confusion
But after all that there's happiness.
After every sadness
I'll find a love to make me breathe again
After all my disappointments
I'll find my groove again.
And if I don't find my little place
I know I'll find you
With your outstretched arms and your calming smile
I'll know that it's just you.
I'll feel safe again and I'll learn to walk
In the face of all my fears
I'll learn to live again and love.
As I grow out of my shell
I'll find us all a way
It may not be that perfect
But it will surely be new.
Your strength and faith give me solace
Now I need not find a crutch
I can surely break my own shackles
And to top it all even yours.
Those colours in my mind,
I'll use to paint your life
Inconsequential sadnesses shall be left far behind.
Sometimes we take life seriously
A tad bit too often
I've learnt that we must move on
Learn to live a life without always looking for a reason.

Shhh...

Blinking my eyes
Sheer disbelief writ large
Realization in a place within
And only a smile to show for it all.
Clean words cutting loose
No doubt it won't be the same
Sarcasm's on leave for now
Even though London's just a few miles away.
The distance is a joke
The harmony for me to keep.
A blown-up picture; testimony
And kohl-lined eyes, a morning treat.
Raining on the shutters
Warm fuzzies guarding me.
Plenty of cornflower blue
Overriding bold colours and brush strokes
Tenderly taking Van Gogh's bellissimo.
With finesse, I raise a leg
A temptress from a child
Bare skin inviting touch
Pink invading my eyes.
Candy floss on his fingers
Lightly wound into his mouth
A tongue caressing the leftover me
And finally darkness falls upon us....

Farishton ki raah par nikal chalein the hum
Chand ki ek daal haathon mein liye
Taaron ki god mein soye... Jannat ke hawale...
Ek chaanv ki aadat pad jaye
Kaynat ki ibadat hai..
Baahon mein kashish na reh jaye
Tumhari badaulat hai..
Jis jahaan ka hissa aaj hain..
Kahin na kahin usike mohtaj-e-hukumat hain...

Kahin koi aanch tum par aane na paaye iski dua hum subah shaam karte hain..
Kahin teri parchai dil se na utar jaaye iske agaah hum din raat rehte hain..
Par hai pyaar ka yeh rehnuma kaisa tera..
Hum jise muhabbat kehte hain usse tum wafadari ke naam se waqif ho..

Sharif-un-nafson ki galiyon mein ye diwana kahan se aa pohoncha?
Chahat mein mar mitney wala ye napak kahan se aa guzra?
Tamiri hoti jo hum use ehsaas pagalpan ka dete..
Kambakht zamana bhi zaalim wahin raah mein use akela chod gaya..

Koi shiqast apne maathe ki bana lena humko..
Ke dukh ke har pal mein saath rehna hai gawara humko..
Sukh bhale kahin aur baant lena..
Ghamon ka hissa banaye rakhna humko...

Gustaakh nigahon ki saza aksar ashqon ko milti hai..
Toh ashqon ki saza kise mile?
Teri chaah mein jo mar mitey woh pal hum bhala kaise ginein?
Jo khoya hai humne tumne uska mol koi kya jaane!
Bas pal do pal ka saath kehte hain..
Takhir hui guzar jaane mein...

Chahat ke nazmo ki dastaan likh chale hum
Apne hi lahu ki syahi se.
Reh gaye adhure lafz magar,
Tanhai ki teri duhai se.
Saaya hi saath chod gaya magar,
Ruk gayi na zindagani meri,
Chod gaye shayri ke nishan dhundle,
Jivan ke kore kagaz pe mere...

For my valentine...

Like a rising sun painting my sky, colouring my hues and dusting off the night... You were born inside of me like the warmth within a fire.. Inseparable, destructive, and yet without doubt desired..